Sponsor |  carouselle | Apr 10, 5:14pm | | #29 I actually know a doctor named Blank. :) I used to clean his office. |
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Sponsor | | carouselle | Apr 10, 5:24pm | A bit of a pickle
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
Oh, she got fired too." |
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| | | WolvenRevelation | Apr 12, 2:58pm | An accident happened to my brother Jim
When somebody threw a tomato at him.
Tomatoes are juicy and don't hurt the skin
but
this one was specially wrapped in a tin. |
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Sponsor | | kitakami | Apr 14, 2:02pm | A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say:
"Red............cherry"
"Yellow.........lemon"
"Green..........lime"
"Orange.........orange"
Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," she said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're a**holes! |
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|  MySofia | Apr 15, 11:17am |
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that said: "Da End iss Near! Turn Yourself Aroundt Now! Before It's Too Late!"
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash. Reverend Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"
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Sponsor | | kitakami | Apr 20, 11:46am |
No one believes seniors...everyone thinks they are senile. An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
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George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!" |
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Sponsor | | rafcop1976 | May 13, 9:36am | A terrorist goes into a shop to buy a rucksack.
He turns to the assistant and asks,
"Does my bomb look big in this?" |
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Sponsor | | kitakami | May 14, 6:55pm | Q. What did the sign on the door of the cathouse say?
A. Beat it! We're closed.
Blonde desperately needed money
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.
The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" |
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Sponsor | | kitakami | Jun 14, 10:38am | What is a Tragedy
The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while visiting a primary school class, found themselves in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy". So the illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." I'm afraid not," explains the exalted Reverend Al. "That's what we would call a great loss. " The room goes silent. No other children volunteered.
Reverend Al searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
his hand. In a stern voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy." Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says little Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either!!!
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write `Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
`Honey', she said, `you received a very strange post card today'.
`Oh, really? Let me see...', he said.
The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
`Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce.' |
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